


Tokyo Ghoul Crack

by alexanderotis47



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M, hidekane, perhaps I should try my hand with AoT to?, we will call this...warm up stories?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2018-06-09 17:11:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6915952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanderotis47/pseuds/alexanderotis47
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just random drabbles I did when I felt bored or uninspired to continue on a story. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like one of those days ya know?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Shiro: -strolls along the sidewalk of a park that he went to with his other personas, when suddenly he sees a centipede run acrossed in front of him- Brother it is you! -He jumps after it hastily-  
Centipede: -Meanwhile Centipede Kaneki is rolling around on the grass trying to "evade" his enemies the centipede way-  
Kuro Kaneki: -Is currently reading a book and ignoring the other two fools while Haise is trying to control both of them-  
Shiro: -pops up behind Kuro and dangles a centipede in front of his face- Hey look what I found Kuro! It's Centipede in a smaller form!  
Kuro: -screams bloody murder and tries to squish the insect with his book-  
Shiro: -Yanks the poor centipede away from Kuro before he could squish it- What are you doing he's just a centipede! Look how adorable he is with his little feet! Look Kuro he's biting me! Isn't that adorable! I love them at this age!  
Kuro: -screams more and runs away to Haise who seems to be the only normal one out of the bunch- Haise! Tell him to get that thing away from me!  
Centipede: -pops up, to attention, and gets up from the ground to run to the little insect dangling from Shiro's grasp- OH MY GOD BROTHER IS THAT YOU!? IT'S BEEN SO LONG HOW ARE YOU!?  
Shiro: Hey Kuro, can we stick this centipede in your ear!  
Kuro: Oh my god no! Get that thing away from me! It's ewwwy and gross! I'm gonna tell Haise on you.  
Papa Arima: -poofs into existence suddenly- HAVE NO FEAR PAPA ARIMA IS HERE....what the fuck are you guys doing.  
Haise: ^^" -mentally: Please help me...-  
-Shiro is currently chasing Kuro who is crying and running around. Centipede is just derpishly running behind Shiro-  
Haise: Guys staahhhhppp! I swear I have a good control over them, most times! Right now is just a bad time!  
-Shiro has tackled Kuro to the ground with the poor little insect dangling above him-  
Centipede: -laughs crazily and is currently drooling a bit- Hey Kuro do you think I can crawl into your ear to!?  
Kuro: -continues to scream- You guys are crazy!!! Absolutely crazy!!! Why am I stuck with you two idiots!  
Shiro: Hey I take offense to that!  
Centipede: -derp look-  
Haise: -cries because he can't get his group under control and he's a failure-  
Arima: -gracefully kicks Shiro off of Kuro-  
Centipede: :D....-stares at Arima-  
Arima: -stares back at Centipede-  
Centipede: -smile turns even creepier-  
Arima: Centipede go evade some enemies.  
Centipede: Woooooo!!! -starts rolling away-  
Kuro: Oh my god Arima you saved my life, how can I ever repay you...-rambling-  
Arima:-pushes up his glasses dramatically and puts a finger to Kuro's mouth- You can repay me...by the shutting the fuck up and making my son Haise feel better.   
Kuro: Ok...O_O  
Hide: -suddenly appears in a poof of smoke- YOU WHAZZUP GUYS I'M NOT DEAD AFTER ALL!  
Shiro: -shoots Hide in the stomach- Now you are!  
Fan girls: -comes out of nowhere and begins to cry a flood of tears that carries Arima, Haise, Kuro, and Centipede away-  
Kuro: NO NO NOOOO I CAN'T DIE YET! I HAVEN'T DELETED MY BROWSER HISTORYYYYY *gurgle, gurgle, gurgle*  
Arima: -regular serious face look as he floats down the river of tears as Haise clings onto him like a baby koala-  
Haise: -is also adding more tears to the flood of tears already-  
Shiro: -currently riding Hide's dead body in the flood of tears in a crossed-leg position while he sips coffee calmly-  
Centipede: -somehow fucking rolling in the flood of tears and manages to survive because he's fucking cool like that. Don't tell him how to live his life.

And yeah...that's the fucked up story...so....GO AWAY! (Should I make more?)


	2. Chapter 2

Hide: AND I SAID HEYYYYYEYYYYEYYYYEYYYY Heyeeehhehhh I SAID HEY WHAT'S GOING ON! -crashes through Kuro Kaneki's bedroom-

Kuro: -screams like a girl and flails his arms until he fall off his bed- PLEASE DON'T EAT ME MICHELLE OBAMA!!!!

Hide: Dude don't talk smack about my home girl Micheellleeee -head swivel-

Kuro: Shut up Hide, do you know what time it is -picks up alarm clock and shoves it in his face-

Hide: Wtf o' clock in the morning? -alarm clock actually says Wtf o' clock- Not familiar with that time.

Kuro: IT MEANS DON'T WAKE ME UP WITH YOUR SILLY SHENANIGANS!

Hide: Oh yeah I forget, you are extremely crabby in the morning.

Kuro: -crab falls in his hair- WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

Centipede: -looming over Kuro and reaching for crab- I needz dat backz. Hissss girlfriend dum him and going through ruff timezzz. (I need that back. His girlfriend dump him and going through rough times, broken english)

Hide: Centipede I thought you liked other centipedes...

Kuro: CRABS NOT MADE FOR MUKADE! -grabs crab off his head only for it to pinch his eye- GAHHH NOT MY EYEPATCH EYE I NEED THAT EYE OR I WILL NO LONGER BE A PIRATE!

Hide: Mukade? Seriously? You fucking show off and your Japanese language! Go back to Russia!

Kuro: Hide! You're Japanese to!

Centipede: -reaches down and pulls the crab off of him before rolling away to his cage-

Hide: Really!? Where's my ramen noodles!? When's my three hour piano lesson!?

Kuro: Hide that's racist!

Haise: Kuro! I-I mean... -stares at the open door before closing it and then slamming it back open to make a dramatic entrance- Kuro! What is ever the matter my brother!? Can I be of any assistance!?

Kuro: We're not brothers and why would I need help, the last time you tried to help me you threw bananas repeatedly at my face!!!

Haise: NONSENSE IT WOULD'VE WORKED BUT WE RAN OUT OF OUR SUPPLIES OF BANANAS! Here lemme try again-

Kuro: No I'm fine!

Shiro: Yooo whose leg you gotta hump to get some god damn peace and quiet- *Looks at Hide* Oh you'll do nicely...(¬‿¬)

Kuro: Shiro!!

Shiro: Kuro...you wouldn't mind if I stole this piece of meat from you, would you? -sidles up to Hide- Hey baby, ya wanna feel a kagune penetrate through your pink cave?

Hide: You had me at penetrate, kiss me you fool -shoves tongue in Shiro mouth as he slams the other against the wall, grinding against him wildly-

Kuro: OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING! MY EYES! MY VIRGIN EYES! HIDE IS PRACTICALLY HAVING SEX WITH ALL OF US JUST WITH SHIRO! HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS WORK

Haise: -creeps up to the pair making out with a creepy smile- Exposition...

Centipede: Ssssseeexxzzzxzzzz? But tis not matingzzzzeassonnnzzz (Sex? But it's not mating season...)

Kuro: -stomps up behind Shiro- Shiro stop sucking his face off, he's mine! Why are you even doing this in my room, have you no shame!?

Haise: -pops up behind Kuro with jazz hands- Conflict!

Shiro: -flips him off as he unbuttons the blonde's pants-

Hide: -Helps Shiro get his shirt off- God Shiro you're so big

Shiro: Oh baby, you've seen nothing yet. I'll give you more than one of Haise's bananas up the ass.

Hide: Oh stttopp you're making me excited!

Centipede: -derpishly looks on at this mating ritual while Kuro fumes and Haise...well he's being Haise-

Haise: -kisses a banana- Hush baby, Shiro didn't mean that, our love can never be compared! (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Hide: Hurry Shiro, I need you inside me!

Haise: Rising Action...oh wait I might be a little late with that one.

Kuro: -hides blushing face in hands-

Haise: :( -shoves a banana at his face- Do you want a banana to cheer you up?

Kuro: -glares at Haise-ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

Haise: :(....

Centipede: (• ε •)

Shiro: -thrusting mercilessly into Hide who is spouting off Harry Potter pick up lines of some sort-

Hide: Oh Shiro, my love for you burns like a dying phoenix!

Shiro: Oh Hide, I've been whomping my willow thinking about you for so longggg

Hide: Please, cum inside me, I'm so close.

Shiro: Let's come together!

Haise: -shouts at the top of his lungs- CLIMAX!

Kuro: (；一_一)

Centipede: -ships it- ♥‿♥

-Shiro and Hide pants as they come down from their high-

Kuro: OH MY GOD YOU JIZZED ALL OVER MY WALL, ON MY POSTER OF DOCTOR WHO!? That's it, I'm done! I'm done I'm calling Arima, I'm going to need an eternal stay at a mental hospital because of you freaks!

Haise: Falling action!

Centipede: Thazz centipede to youuu

Hide: Well I gotta go break into Nishiki's house, the bastard owes me twenty dollars...

Shiro: Call me later?

Hide: Phone sex?

Shiro: Hell yes!

Centipede: Theyzzz perfect together.

Haise: How about me and my banana!? (◕‿◕✿)

Centipede: NOTP!

Haise: (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) -plays Tsukiyama's HEART BREAK!-

Hide: -takes a running starts and breaks through Kaneki's other window while Shiro waves to him goodbye-

Centipede: -crawls out Kuro's door and goes off to find Kuro who was crying on the sofa and eating a tub of ice cream- Kkkkkuuuuroo?

Kuro: Go away, my chance at Hide is ruined -sob and shovels more ice cream in his mouth- THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM! IT'S BANANA FLAVORED!

-tub of ice cream has Haise's seal of approval on it-

Centipede: -crawls over to his cage, grabs something, and returns to Kuro before shoving a stuffed bunny in his hands- Ere' Tookah gave it ta meh.

Kuro: -sniffles and smiles down at the freak of nature- This is perhaps the greatest gift you have ever given me...

Centipede: ( ﾟヮﾟ) -crawls away-

Kuro: -turns stuffed animal over and drops it. There was a slit in the bunnies neck that was filled with dead carcasses of centipedes- OH MY GOD MUKADE -throws bunny at the wall-

Centipede: MY BRODERS NUUU -jumps through the air to try and catch it.

Haise: -Pops up in front of the metaphorical camera- RESOLUTION! THANK YOU I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK AND SO WILL THIS BANANA IF IT DOES NOT END UP IN SOMEONE'S ASS TOMORROW!

End~


	3. Beanboozled Hidekane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very old one-shot I did. Maybe I'll renew it and this series.

Let's PlayBean Boozled! (Hidekane) 

"Yo, dude put your book down! I found this cool game we could play!" Hide announced, running into the other's living room. 

"But Hide, I'm getting to the best part!" Kaneki whined. 

"You always say that!" 

"But this time it's true!" 

"Come on, just put it down for a few minutes so we can play this game. Please Kaneki? I swear after this I won't bother you anymore!" Hide pleaded. 

"You always say that," Kaneki said, repeating Hide's phrase from before. 

"I-I do not!" Hide pouted before it faded into a cheeky grin,"Come on Kaneki, if you win I'll dress up as one of the characters in your erotic books and fuck you into a mattress." 

Kaneki's face lit up a bright red at the mention of his "stash" and he hid his face behind his book in embarrassment and also arousal. He did have to admit, that sounded awesome, and Hide always loved to roleplay (he was so good at it!). 

"I-I don't know what you're talking about!" Kaneki spluttered in embarrassment a hand reaching up to touch his chin. 

"I know you have them man! I saw the Fifty Shades of Grey series in your room! Come on Kaneki, I know you're getting turned on just thinking about it," Hide grinned, noticing the other's discomfort.Though nobody could tell from the other's bookworm, gentle exterior, Hide knew just how kinky and masochistic Kaneki really could be. 

"I-I never read Fifty Shades of Grey!" Kaneki yelped, his face turning a dark red,"Fifty Shades of Grey is trash!" 

"How would you know if you never read it!? Every book you touch you end up reading it, whether it's good or bad!" 

"Shut up, I'll play! I'll play! Just stop talking!" Kaneki pouted, his face aflame as he looked up at his sunshine lover who was grinning ear to ear. The raven-haired man would do anything, just so long as the other would stop talking about those awful books that kept him awake at night as he imagined Hide and himself carrying out such erotic fantasies. That would be so sickening....awful....exciting....OH god he had to win this! 

"Alright! I'll be right back!" Hide responded in glee before skipping off into Kaneki's kitchen. The other sighed and gently placed his book to the side, set on the mental task of calming himself about all the fantasies the two of them could carry out. All he had to do was win Hide's game. 

"Alright! I've been waiting a whole week to test these babies out," Hide said, taking Kaneki out of his thoughts as he returned with a small package and a waste basket. The blonde took a seat across from Kaneki and set the items on the coffee table. The raven-haired looked on skeptically, noting the tiny package to be jelly beans....what was Hide planning. 

"Alright...so to play-" 

"Hide, we can't start yet." 

"Why not?" 

"You didn't say what you would get if you would win," Kaneki responded, eyes slightly narrowed. He wanted to know exactly what he was getting himself into and how important it would be for him to win this thing. (What if he won and made Kaneki do something embarrassing!?). 

"Oh yeah, I completely forgot about that," Hide said as he looked up, pretending to be thinking. In all honesty he was hoping Kaneki wouldn't have asked this question for fear he would flat out decline playing the game after all. 

"If I win...I want to fuck you in front of everyone at Anteiku," Hide said, poker-faced. 

"W-WHAT!? HIDE NO-!" Kaneki screamed, his face morphing into utter terror and embarrassment. 

"I'm joking, I'm joking! Oh my god you should've seen your face! Okay, for real this time. I still want to fuck you at Anteiku, but it'll be in the back, once the café is closed, butnot in front of everyone," Hide laugh, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. 

Kaneki pouted and looked down at the floor as his cheeks heated for the second time that day,"F-Fine...s-so how do we play." 

"Alright, so one of us spins the spinner, and whatever bean picture it lands on, we eat. Here's the catch though, there is a chance that one of us or even both of us, could get 'bean boozled' and have the nasty tasting bean. If you spit it out or throw up, you lose points, that I came up with myself. You have to swallow it whether it tastes nasty or not to get a point. Whoever has the most points by the end of the game, wins!" Hide explained with an evil glint in his eye,"I know what you're thinking, you can't back out of it now Kaneki! You said you would do it!" 

"Seriously!? No water to even get rid of the taste!?" Kaneki whined, his arms crossed. He knew this game was going to suck, big time,"Let's just...get this over with already." 

" Yeah, we're going to do this hardcore!" Hide responded, before quickly responding, (He didn't want Kaneki to back out of it after all),"That's the spirit! I'll spin first!" 

Kaneki watched with dread as the tiny spinner was spun, landing on a bright green jellybean picture. 

"Sweet! Alright, lawn clippings or lime," Hide said, picking out two matching green jelly beans from the container and handing one to the other. 

"On the count of three..." 

"One.......two....three!" Hide said, tossing the bean into his mouth. Kaneki closed his eyes tightly as he tossed the bean in his mouth. He relaxed when the taste of lime flooded his mouth. He looked up to see Hide make a confused face at his bean, but none the less he swallowed it with no problem. Kaneki couldn't help but giggle at his reaction. 

" Hmm grass clippings don't taste that bad I guess. My parents said I ate grass a lot as a child.Alright, one point for both of us, you spin this time dude," Hide responded. 

"You ate grass as a child?" 

"Oh like you didn't eat something disgusting before," Hide snapped playfully. 

"Well now that I think about it...I think I ate dirt before, but that was on accident," Kaneki recounted before spinning the spinner. He made a face at the result. Canned dog food, or chocolate pudding, gross. He pulled out two beans from the container and handed one to Hide who began to count off once again. Each one popped the bean into their mouths and sealed their fate. And as each one chewed slowly, their faces of disgust mimicked each other. Kaneki resisted the urge to gag as he fought the bean down with effort. 

"What a disappointment, I thought you'd scream like a girl," Hide commented. 

"Shut up or I'll make you actually eat a can of dog food," Kaneki responded as he shivered in disgust. 

"You wouldn't do that to me, you love me too much." 

"You're right, I'll have Touka do it. She could probably make it look more presentable than I can. We'll get you a doggy dish with the name Hide on it and everything. Nobody would know the difference." 

"Dude....that hurts...right in the kokoro man," Hide commented, rubbing his chest with a fake hurt expression as he spun,"Tooth paste or berry blue. This shouldn't be that bad." 

The blonde gave the other a blue jellybean where they repeated the process once again. Kaneki sighed happily when the taste of blueberry filled his mouth. 

"Mmm minty..." Hide stated calmly," Hey Kaneki want a kiss?" 

"Ew, no. It's going to take a lot more than a toothpaste flavored jellybean to get rid of the taste of dog food and grass clippings." 

"Hey, at least the two coincide." 

"Hide, that's dog shit." 

"And dog food turns into dog shit." 

"Shut up Hide," Kaneki responded, rolling his eyes as he spun the next one,"Tutti-fruity or stinky socks..." 

Kaneki shivered as he picked up the two matching jellybeans and handed one to Hide. He didn't even wait for the countdown, he just wanted to get this challenge done and over with. He squeaked and smacked a hand over his mouth as the disgusting flavor filled his mouth. He resisted the urge to gag as he struggled to swallow the horrible bean. 

"Mmmm...this one is really yummy. Betcha wish you were me right now weren't you Kaneki," Hide, even throwing exaggerated moans to show just how great the jellybean tasted. 

"Shut up Hide," Kaneki choked out. 

"Karmaaaa. Well, unfortunately you did swallow it so a point for both of us again." Hide sing-songed before spinning. 

"Ooo, Licorice or skunk spray," the blonde smirked slyly as he passed a black bean to the raven. 

Kaneki took the jellybean warily. He couldn't believe he was afraid of one tiny bean. With a deep breath he tossed the bean in his mouth, taking only one bite before he began to convulse in disgust. Oh god it was so disgusting! Why would anyone want to play such a horrendous game! He would never be able to eat again after playing this game! He tried to swallow the jellybean quickly, but he found he was unable to. After a few more moments of suffering he spit the offending bean into the waste basket in defeat, gagging in disgust. 

Hide laughed at Kaneki's facial reactions, enjoying the licorice bean he was eating as he watched the other suffer and spit up the bean,"One point for me! Come on Kaneki, we still have the whole box to go!" 

"T-The whole box!? I'm not doing the whole box, you're insane! Isn't this torture enough!?" Kaneki exclaimed as he wiped a hand across his mouth. 

"The whole box Kaneki. Now spin," Hide commanded. 

With a hurt look, the man spun, cringing at the next bean. 

"Peach or barf..." Kaneki's stomach lurched at the thought. 

"Bon appetite' " was Hide's only comment as he handed a bean to Kaneki. As both men tossed a bean into their mouths, both paled considerably. Kaneki's hand flew to his mouth as he fought against the urge to spit the bean out immediately. Hide's face scrunched up in disgust as he tried to swallow the bean, his attempt successful. 

"Dude, that was nothing. I had to swallow back vomit every time I saw our history teacher's face back in middle school. She was so ugly," Hide commented, even though he shivered in disgust. 

Kaneki on the other hand had his head stuck in the waste basket once again. 

"That was awful," Kaneki choked out, looking up to see the next bean held out to him since Hide didn't want to wait until Kaneki's suffering was over. 

Kaneki waved the bean away,"N-No I'm done. You're freaking insane!" 

"Dude, come on! You said you'd play with me! Besides it isn't that bad. We could be doing the cinnamon challenge," Hide mentioned as he waved the bean in front of his face. 

"No Hide! I don't care! This is stupid!" Kaneki exclaimed before the bean was shoved into his mouth to his surprise. He was even more surprised when the taste of pears filled his mouth, washing away the taste of vomit. 

Hide popped his own bean into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully, happy that he managed to shut his lover up by managing to pick out a good one for him. 

"Better? We still got three to go, then I'll let you quit. Promise," Hide responded as he spun again to make the game go faster,"Coconut or baby wipes." 

He handed the next one to Kaneki who seemed calmer, but still hesitantly put it in his mouth. Kaneki's face screwed up instantly but he didn't have issues swallowing this one,"Baby wipes." 

"Yeah same. Tastes like hand sanitizer..." 

They quickly knocked out the last two flavors. Kaneki getting rotten eggs, while Hide got buttered popcorn. And Hide getting moldy cheese while Kaneki got caramel corn, which was still disgusting for the raven either way. In the end, Hide won the bean boozled game, and Kaneki accepted his defeat quietly, but also in embarrassment at how he reacted. 

"Hey Kaneki," Hide smirked at his lover. 

"What Hide?" Kaneki dared to asked, not liking the smirk that came across Hide's face. 

"Dare me to shove all the rest of the beans in my mouth in one go?" 

"Oh my god Hide, don't! That's disgusting!" Kaneki yelped, paling at the others suggestion. 

"Jeez, Kaneki I can't believe you're making me do this. You're such a sadist," Hide responded, picking up the box with the remaining beans. 

"I said no Hide! Dude you're going to get so sick from those things!" 

"Alright, alright, I'm doing it Kaneki. Jeez! You are like the worst friend ever," Hide said simply, and with a last grin, he poured the rest of the beans in the box in his mouth. 

"Oh my god Hide, that is s-so.....oh my god what the hell's wrong with you!?" 

Hide could only chew in response, the most ridiculous expression going across his face as he chewed this god awful mind fuck of a concoction. 

Kaneki meanwhile rushed to get his blonde friend a glass of water, half expecting Hide to almost keel over and die. When he returned however he was surprised that Hide managed to swallow the whole thing. It took a few swallows and Hide almost threw it all back up, but in the end he managed. 

Hide gave Kaneki a thumbs up and toothy, but also sickly grin,"Dude that was so hardcore, you should've got it on camera! But I'm never doing it again, so don't you dare tell me to do it again you psychopath." 

Kaneki could only shake his head in disbelief as he handed the cup of water to Hide who gulped it down gratefully. 

"You are absolutely...the most craziest person I ever met Hideyoshi Nagachika...." 

"I'm glad I could be of service..." Was his only reply.


End file.
